Sinking in

This may be one of those posts that gets a little long and you may find me rambling.  So, please bear with me I have some things on my mind and they aren't necessarily put together.

We are going to be making a big change for our family.  I'm talking completely rocking our world.  It's a scary decision and one that will create discomfort.  However, we feel very strongly that this is what God has for our family.

You see, we have become very comfortable in our lives and so this change will completely take that comfort away.  It is something Andy and I are prepared for...sort of...but our kids are not.  Not in the slightest.  It's hard for me to watch.  And it's hard to explain to them that this is for the best.  They are just not seeing it that way.

I must admit I find myself struggling with accepting this change.  Struggling with doubt.  Struggling with adjusting to new things, new ideas, new acquaintances.  All new.  Scary.

Today was a hard day for me.  I took one step, a first step towards making this change.  It was hard.  Very hard.  I cringed.  Felt sick to my stomach.  Wanted to cry.  Felt sad and a little regret.

I'm starting to notice a change in my emotions.  At first their was excitement.  Excitement about a fresh start.  A new adventure.  A sort of breath of fresh air.  There is still excitement, however, it is now mixed with some anger.  I'm being brutally honest here.  My anger is not directed towards God at all.  It is being directed at an individual.  I'm not saying it's right.  I'm not even saying I like it.  It's just the way it is.

I know my emotions will change.  I know I will feel all sorts of things over the next few weeks.  I welcome that.  I think it's normal.  I just do not want my emotions to over-shadow the real reasons for this change and I do not want them to cause me to act in sin.

This is one of the hardest things I will ever do.  Maybe not.  It just feels that way right now.  If it is truly what God wants then it won't be hard as difficult as I imagine.

So, I'm holding on for now and letting this idea really start to sink in.  I hope it doesn't completely scare me off.  I will do my best to keep focused on what God wants us to do.  We have a few big hurdles to jump and they will not be easy.  In fact, I am totally dreading it.  It's the kind of thing that you know you have to do, but wish you didn't.  I know it will hurt others involved and may even result in loss of friendships.  I don't want to cause anyone any pain, but as with any change, there is almost always displeasure in someway.

When 2012 began I chose the word "embrace" for my "word of the year."  I knew this was coming which is in part why I chose that word.  I didn't, however, know how hard this embrace thing would be.

I'm just a parent trying to make the best decisions for her children.  And hoping that in making this change that is indeed the best decision.

Adjusting

It's been a tough week.  I don't know why.  All is well.  I have much to give thanks for.  I guess it comes down to embracing the changes.  I had no idea when I set out to embrace that opportunities would arise so quickly.  I also didn't know it would be so hard.

Work has been very much the same, but yet very different.  I'm already missing my "old" boss.  He was the reason I've stayed so long.  Already things are changing.  Procedures are done differently.  If you know me, you know I don't adapt well to change.  I went head-on to embrace this "newness" at work, but I've failed miserably.  I've almost broken down in tears several times.  I miss him.



Things at home aren't much better.  I think it's me.  It's true that the woman of the home sets the tone.  I'm afraid I haven't been doing a great job at that either.  I will not be winning mother/wife of the year this year.  Maybe next year.

We have been having some battles with our 11 year old son.  It's difficult for me because I'm completely opposite of him.  I love him so much.  I'm just disappointed in the decisions he is making.  None of them are life altering by any means, it just shows where his heart is at.  Kids are different today than they were when I was a kid.  Try as I may I will likely never be able to embrace this post-modern way of thinking.  And that is o.k.  Unfortunately as a parent that might be difficult. 

We try so hard to teach our children how to behave and what is right and wrong.  But it seems that out in the world (and even in Christian school) they try to persuade them otherwise.  What's cool to "them" is not acceptable to us.  And on and on it goes.  It's hard trying to imagine what the world is like through the eyes of an 11 year old.  Should I be more accepting of these decisions or continue to fight it?  It seems the more we fight it, the farther he is slipping away.  He's only 11.  How can this be?

I'm sorry for the "downer" of a post today.  I'm just being real.  Embracing the fact that I am a wife/mother who makes mistakes.  I'll never be the perfect parent.  Oh, I'll strive to be but I will fall short.  That is a hard thing to admit.  I really am just learning it as I go.  God-willing my boys will turn out to be Godly men who love God and seek Him.  I only hope I have what it takes to teach them.



Letting Go

This is the day I have been dreading for awhile.  It was time to say goodbye to a dear friend.  My boss.  Today was his last day.  After 25 plus years at the store he is moving on.  He is realizing  a dream and moving west to Phoenix.  I am so happy for him.  I can't even put it to words.

I realized this morning, that I've known Doug (said Boss) longer than I've known my husband.  He has such a kind sweet soul.  He will be greatly missed.  Greatly.

I've also realized that in learning to embrace (to see more about embrace, click here) it almost always means you have to let go of something.  So, today I've had to put that to practice.  I want so badly to embrace this new BIG change at work, but in doing so I had to let go of someone.  Someone whose absence will leave a big gaping hole.  Someone so valuable it leaves me wondering how will we make it?

But make it we will.   This is all God's plan.  His hand has been evident throughout this whole situation.  I read a verse today that spoke volumes to me and just when I needed it.

Isaiah 55:9

As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

It was a great reminder that God's plans for us all are far greater than we can ever imagine.  How. Sweet. That. Thought.  His plan is in place and He will make it happen, whether we embrace it or not.

Embrace

I've decided that my word for the year should be: embrace.  January has already brought about many changes around here, and being someone who has a hard time adjusting to change, I think it's time for me to learn to "embrace."

Embrace the changes, but also embrace the sameness.  I know there are going to be more changes ahead for our family.  Some of them will be easy and some of them will be hard.

I've already noticed (since I've started changing my thought process towards embrace) that there is a sort of a "freeing" feeling that is accompanied with embrace.

So, no matter what may come in 2012, I will do my best to "embrace" the good, the bad and the ugly.  And, it could get ugly at times as I fight, and kick and carry on about change and things not going my way.  So, I guess we'll see how it goes.  This is definately stepping out of my comfort zone.

Things I'm alreay learning to embrace:

*  My new diet.  Not so fun, but so far so good and very rewarding.

*  A new car payment.  Ugh.  Haven't had one for several years.

*  Lack of feeling secure emotionally.

*  My anxiety.  I will always be learning this one.

*  Where I fit or don't fit in life.

So, what are you learning to embrace?

Enjoy today!