Monday, April 30, 2012

When what you think is the right decision really really hurts

I really don't know where this post will go, so please bare with me.

My feelings are raw.  Fresh and raw.  So fresh my eyes still ache from the many tears that were shed.

I knew this decision would be hard and I knew it would hurt.  I had no idea just how much it would hurt.  I have complete peace about the decision and feel very strongly that it is right and what God wants.  When I shared this decision with someone I love so very much, I knew it would be met with some criticism and hoped there would also be love and support.  Instead what I was met with was judgement, misunderstanding and a lack of compassion.

It hurts.  There is no other way around it.  I feel miserable.  I'm trying to do the best I can at raising my kids.  The truth is, I don't have a clue.  I know I love them and have their best interest at heart.

But what do you do when your family doesn't agree?  I've been so blessed to always have a family that loved and supported me through just about everything.  So this is new territory for me.

I don't know what to do next.  I don't know where this road will lead.  I'm not a fighter.  I don't like confrontation.  I'm not one who likes to cause a big stink.  I was trying to avoid all of that, but ended up walking right into it.

So, I'm sure I'll get over it.  In time.  I know I'll be sorry for bringing on pain.  I know I'll forgive.  In time.  But I also know I'll bear the scars of the deep deep pain forever.  In all honesty I'm sick of it.  So sick of just letting the daggers fly at me and not doing anything about it.  I've just never been one that wanted to hurt others even if they've hurt me.  I guess it's because I know how much it hurts and I don't want to do that to someone else.

I don't know what else to say.  I hope that things will look better in the morning.  Things always look better in the morning.  Right?  It won't change what is, but maybe just maybe it will.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

What I've been up to

Things around here have been a little busy.  Some of it fun, some not as fun. 

A few weekends ago the weather was absolutely perfect.  We were outside gettin dirty.  I loved to feel the grass and cool earth beneath my piggies.

We are now knee deep (no pun intended) in the middle of a landscaping project in our front yard.  Here is a before picture of the front of our house.

It wasn't horrible, but what the picture is not showing you is the fact that the bushes are dead.  D. E. A. D.  Nothing but brown twigs in many areas.

Now, here is what it looks like now.  I must warn you we are far from being done.  So far, in that we haven't done any.thing. since ripping them out.

See what I mean?  Just a dirt pile.

However, even with nothing in there it still looks better.  Don't you think?  I'm excited to get workin on it again.  The wheels are churning in my head as I try to figure out what we will do.  Here's what we're thinking:  Shrubs of some sort on either side, a fence (white or black?), and some flowers with color.  It's screaming for some color.

So, we'll see how it goes and I will keep you posted.

Now, onto other things.  I spent last weekend on a "girls getaway."  It was awesome.  A trip to the beach, sun, painted toe nails, good food (make that great food), shopping, lots of shopping a room to myself, movies, reading.  I could go on and on.

I was having so much fun I didn't take a lot of pictures, but I do have a few.

My niece Taylor, sister Shawn, Mom and sister Shannan.
Dinner out!!  I ordered my own crab cake.  It was my first one eva!!

Delish!!  Just looking at it makes me want another one.

The car ride home....I told you I didn't get a lot of pictures. I do have memories.  Memories that will have to hold me until we go again.  Sigh.


And my baby turned 7.  I almost typed 6 and had to think what his age really is.  7!  I can't believe it.  We had a little party.  You will see in the pictures the clown glasses he received as a birthday gift.  Too cute.






It was a good time.  I love being together with my family.  We have five boys from ages 11 to 5.  It gets crazy loud and just plain crazy.  But always fun.

Happy Birthday Britt!  I love you.

So, what have you been up to?

Thursday, April 12, 2012

A little overwhelmed

I had every intention of doing a completely different post.  One of normality.  Just randomness of home and life.  That was up until about an hour ago when I received a text.

Last June I received devastating news regarding a friend of mine who has since moved away.  I won't go into details, but my dear friend experienced something so tragic.  Something you hope you never have to experience, and thankfully most of us never will.

Death of a the hand of another.

I have often found my thoughts drifting to my friend.  Left behind to pick up the pieces.  To wake up everyday and feel the loss.  To look in the eyes of her sisters children and just keep going.

Even now, I'm still stunned silent.  Speechless.  I still can't come to terms with the depth of this tragedy.

You see, I have sisters.  Two of them.  And I would give my right arm for either of them.  When I think of my friend I often feel guilt because of this.  I know she would give anything to have her sister back.  Anything.

The text I received tonight was to inform me that the trial had begun and a verdict was reached.


I read tonight that her family now can "breathe a little deeper."  I'm sure there is a great sense of relief.  Justice has been served.  But to receive this justice the family had to relive the nightmare all over again.  Young children having to testify against their father.  Can it get any worse than that?  They not only lost their mother, they now have no father.  It's tragic all around. 

And what are they left with?  I have no answers.  Just questions.  I can only pray that God will give them the strength to continue.  Comfort.  Love.  Unending Love.

I'm overwhelmed with thoughts.  My head is spinning with saddness.  Anger.  Relief.  Hope.  I get to sit here all snug in my home.  Loved ones tucked into bed.  Everyone healthy and well.  She doesn't have that luxury anymore.  Her security blanket ripped right out from under her.  Nothing will ever be the same.

So, tell me why.  Why is it that we get to keep on living our snug little lives when for others it feels like the whole world just stopped?

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Sinking in

This may be one of those posts that gets a little long and you may find me rambling.  So, please bear with me I have some things on my mind and they aren't necessarily put together.

We are going to be making a big change for our family.  I'm talking completely rocking our world.  It's a scary decision and one that will create discomfort.  However, we feel very strongly that this is what God has for our family.

You see, we have become very comfortable in our lives and so this change will completely take that comfort away.  It is something Andy and I are prepared for...sort of...but our kids are not.  Not in the slightest.  It's hard for me to watch.  And it's hard to explain to them that this is for the best.  They are just not seeing it that way.

I must admit I find myself struggling with accepting this change.  Struggling with doubt.  Struggling with adjusting to new things, new ideas, new acquaintances.  All new.  Scary.

Today was a hard day for me.  I took one step, a first step towards making this change.  It was hard.  Very hard.  I cringed.  Felt sick to my stomach.  Wanted to cry.  Felt sad and a little regret.

I'm starting to notice a change in my emotions.  At first their was excitement.  Excitement about a fresh start.  A new adventure.  A sort of breath of fresh air.  There is still excitement, however, it is now mixed with some anger.  I'm being brutally honest here.  My anger is not directed towards God at all.  It is being directed at an individual.  I'm not saying it's right.  I'm not even saying I like it.  It's just the way it is.

I know my emotions will change.  I know I will feel all sorts of things over the next few weeks.  I welcome that.  I think it's normal.  I just do not want my emotions to over-shadow the real reasons for this change and I do not want them to cause me to act in sin.

This is one of the hardest things I will ever do.  Maybe not.  It just feels that way right now.  If it is truly what God wants then it won't be hard as difficult as I imagine.

So, I'm holding on for now and letting this idea really start to sink in.  I hope it doesn't completely scare me off.  I will do my best to keep focused on what God wants us to do.  We have a few big hurdles to jump and they will not be easy.  In fact, I am totally dreading it.  It's the kind of thing that you know you have to do, but wish you didn't.  I know it will hurt others involved and may even result in loss of friendships.  I don't want to cause anyone any pain, but as with any change, there is almost always displeasure in someway.

When 2012 began I chose the word "embrace" for my "word of the year."  I knew this was coming which is in part why I chose that word.  I didn't, however, know how hard this embrace thing would be.

I'm just a parent trying to make the best decisions for her children.  And hoping that in making this change that is indeed the best decision.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Watching and waiting.

I received a hummingbird feeder for Christmas this past year and have been waiting to use it.  Well, after doing a little research I learned that it is now time to put it up.

My Grandparents (both in heaven now) lived in Wisconsin, and used to feed hummingbirds and I loved watching the little creatures come and drink right outside their windows.

They made their own nectar to feed them.  So, I knew I could do it too.  First, I had to find a pitcher to store it.

Found this baby yesterday at the local thrift store.  I decided to label it, well, because...funny story here...This past summer while in WI I drank some hummingbird juice.  Not because I wanted to, but because it was placed on the counter at a family gathering for a selection of drinks.  Apparently everyone (out there) knows that that particular pitcher held the nectar.  We, on the east coast, did not know.  So, I poured it thinking it was water and boy did I get a surprise!!  No wonder the birds keep coming back.  That stuff is sweet.  : }

So, I made my nectar and hung my feeder.

So, now I just watch and wait. 

View from my kitchen window.

Here's hoping!!

Happy Wednesday.