Thursday, April 5, 2012

Sinking in

This may be one of those posts that gets a little long and you may find me rambling.  So, please bear with me I have some things on my mind and they aren't necessarily put together.

We are going to be making a big change for our family.  I'm talking completely rocking our world.  It's a scary decision and one that will create discomfort.  However, we feel very strongly that this is what God has for our family.

You see, we have become very comfortable in our lives and so this change will completely take that comfort away.  It is something Andy and I are prepared for...sort of...but our kids are not.  Not in the slightest.  It's hard for me to watch.  And it's hard to explain to them that this is for the best.  They are just not seeing it that way.

I must admit I find myself struggling with accepting this change.  Struggling with doubt.  Struggling with adjusting to new things, new ideas, new acquaintances.  All new.  Scary.

Today was a hard day for me.  I took one step, a first step towards making this change.  It was hard.  Very hard.  I cringed.  Felt sick to my stomach.  Wanted to cry.  Felt sad and a little regret.

I'm starting to notice a change in my emotions.  At first their was excitement.  Excitement about a fresh start.  A new adventure.  A sort of breath of fresh air.  There is still excitement, however, it is now mixed with some anger.  I'm being brutally honest here.  My anger is not directed towards God at all.  It is being directed at an individual.  I'm not saying it's right.  I'm not even saying I like it.  It's just the way it is.

I know my emotions will change.  I know I will feel all sorts of things over the next few weeks.  I welcome that.  I think it's normal.  I just do not want my emotions to over-shadow the real reasons for this change and I do not want them to cause me to act in sin.

This is one of the hardest things I will ever do.  Maybe not.  It just feels that way right now.  If it is truly what God wants then it won't be hard as difficult as I imagine.

So, I'm holding on for now and letting this idea really start to sink in.  I hope it doesn't completely scare me off.  I will do my best to keep focused on what God wants us to do.  We have a few big hurdles to jump and they will not be easy.  In fact, I am totally dreading it.  It's the kind of thing that you know you have to do, but wish you didn't.  I know it will hurt others involved and may even result in loss of friendships.  I don't want to cause anyone any pain, but as with any change, there is almost always displeasure in someway.

When 2012 began I chose the word "embrace" for my "word of the year."  I knew this was coming which is in part why I chose that word.  I didn't, however, know how hard this embrace thing would be.

I'm just a parent trying to make the best decisions for her children.  And hoping that in making this change that is indeed the best decision.

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