Waiting for Spring

I don't know about you, but this gal is ready for some spring.  A couple of years ago while in the middle of a debilitating battle of anxiety, I learned to really just enjoy life during whatever "season" I'm in.  An appreciation of life...sort of.  Well, this winter has proved challenging to me.  Normally I enjoy the winter, but for some reason I am more than ready to see winter go away.

I am trying to decide if it is truly the weather, or more the "season" of life I am in right now.  Don't get me wrong, my life is great.  Just busy.  And not busy by somes standards, just busy by my own standards.  Quite frankly I don't like it.  It is only temporary.  This too shall pass.

Sometimes life feels a little stale.  I don't want to complain about that.  Really.  I just think sometimes we are ready for a little change.  Excitement.  Life.  Color.  So, I'm hoping that maybe when spring finally rolls in it will bring with it some of these things.

More than anything I hope it brings a fresh perspective.  One reason I love the change of seasons is that in some ways I feel like I get a fresh start with each new season.  That's what I'm hoping for this spring.  How about you?  Are you ready for spring?

Is there any room in your heart for me?

I have to say that my husband is in France right now and he took my camera with him.  So, I've been making do with some old photos to go with my new posts.  I hope you don't mind.

This post is not a cry for help.  I'm not sad and pathetic even though it may sound like that.  I actually have complete peace and I am very excited to see what the future holds.  These are just thoughts goin through my mind and feelings in my heart.

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Over the summer our family made a huge change in our lives.  We moved to a new church and decided to put our kids in a new school.  I will post more about that later.

It feels as though we are starting all over again.  In many ways it's been easy but in other ways it's been hard.  One of them being the struggle to meet new people.  I feel as though I am on the outside looking in. 

It seems they all already have their friendships established.  Like they've known each other for years.  They seem genuinely interested in talking to me and meeting me, but is that where it stops?  Their lives are full of family, church, school and the like.  They are busy, like me.  Could they have any more room in their lives for another friend?  Is there any room in their hearts for me?

This has been weighing on my mind a lot lately.  I guess it's natural for a girl woman to feel this way.  We all want to fit in.  Want to be liked.  It's hard to be the one left out.

I know in time I will find my place.  And I know it will take time.  I just want a bucket full of friends.  Not a lot just a bucket-full.  ; ]

My version of a bucket full of friends!!  :)

 
But more than that I would like one to be mine.  Just mine.  Okay, I'm scaring myself a little bit, but I think you know what I mean.  That one that knows the real me.  The one I can cry with, laugh (really laugh, you know, the pee your pants kind) with, go on play dates with and even "couple dates."

Sure, I still have friends from my old church, but things are different now.  I don't see them anymore.  I'm not looking to replace them, just add to my bucket.  So, if I'm willing to add new friends to my life does that mean that others are too?  If I still have room in my heart for another friend or two, does that mean they have a little room in their heart for me too?

Sinking in

This may be one of those posts that gets a little long and you may find me rambling.  So, please bear with me I have some things on my mind and they aren't necessarily put together.

We are going to be making a big change for our family.  I'm talking completely rocking our world.  It's a scary decision and one that will create discomfort.  However, we feel very strongly that this is what God has for our family.

You see, we have become very comfortable in our lives and so this change will completely take that comfort away.  It is something Andy and I are prepared for...sort of...but our kids are not.  Not in the slightest.  It's hard for me to watch.  And it's hard to explain to them that this is for the best.  They are just not seeing it that way.

I must admit I find myself struggling with accepting this change.  Struggling with doubt.  Struggling with adjusting to new things, new ideas, new acquaintances.  All new.  Scary.

Today was a hard day for me.  I took one step, a first step towards making this change.  It was hard.  Very hard.  I cringed.  Felt sick to my stomach.  Wanted to cry.  Felt sad and a little regret.

I'm starting to notice a change in my emotions.  At first their was excitement.  Excitement about a fresh start.  A new adventure.  A sort of breath of fresh air.  There is still excitement, however, it is now mixed with some anger.  I'm being brutally honest here.  My anger is not directed towards God at all.  It is being directed at an individual.  I'm not saying it's right.  I'm not even saying I like it.  It's just the way it is.

I know my emotions will change.  I know I will feel all sorts of things over the next few weeks.  I welcome that.  I think it's normal.  I just do not want my emotions to over-shadow the real reasons for this change and I do not want them to cause me to act in sin.

This is one of the hardest things I will ever do.  Maybe not.  It just feels that way right now.  If it is truly what God wants then it won't be hard as difficult as I imagine.

So, I'm holding on for now and letting this idea really start to sink in.  I hope it doesn't completely scare me off.  I will do my best to keep focused on what God wants us to do.  We have a few big hurdles to jump and they will not be easy.  In fact, I am totally dreading it.  It's the kind of thing that you know you have to do, but wish you didn't.  I know it will hurt others involved and may even result in loss of friendships.  I don't want to cause anyone any pain, but as with any change, there is almost always displeasure in someway.

When 2012 began I chose the word "embrace" for my "word of the year."  I knew this was coming which is in part why I chose that word.  I didn't, however, know how hard this embrace thing would be.

I'm just a parent trying to make the best decisions for her children.  And hoping that in making this change that is indeed the best decision.

Letting Go

This is the day I have been dreading for awhile.  It was time to say goodbye to a dear friend.  My boss.  Today was his last day.  After 25 plus years at the store he is moving on.  He is realizing  a dream and moving west to Phoenix.  I am so happy for him.  I can't even put it to words.

I realized this morning, that I've known Doug (said Boss) longer than I've known my husband.  He has such a kind sweet soul.  He will be greatly missed.  Greatly.

I've also realized that in learning to embrace (to see more about embrace, click here) it almost always means you have to let go of something.  So, today I've had to put that to practice.  I want so badly to embrace this new BIG change at work, but in doing so I had to let go of someone.  Someone whose absence will leave a big gaping hole.  Someone so valuable it leaves me wondering how will we make it?

But make it we will.   This is all God's plan.  His hand has been evident throughout this whole situation.  I read a verse today that spoke volumes to me and just when I needed it.

Isaiah 55:9

As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

It was a great reminder that God's plans for us all are far greater than we can ever imagine.  How. Sweet. That. Thought.  His plan is in place and He will make it happen, whether we embrace it or not.

A Day I Will Remember

Well, today was just one. of. those. days.  The kind where the rug of security is ripped out from under your feet.  I don't do well with days like this.  However, when I spoke to my husband about two such issues, he said "You sound rather perky considering what you've told me."  I guess he's right.  Amidst all of it, I have tried to remain (I'm trying to think of the right word here)...unafraid.  For me, that is a big thing.

My boss, whom I love dearly, got a new job.  I am super uber excited for him.  It has been awesome to see God working in his life.  And so quickly too.  We only have 2 weeks left with him and just 2 1/2 before he leaves permanently for another state.  Wow!!

This news leaves us all with so much uncertainty.  (aka..panic)  But, I am trying to resolve not to worry about it, but rather to embrace this change.  I am trusting in God.  I know He has a plan in place for the store.  As I told a co-worker/friend today, "this store belongs to God."  It's in His hands.  What better place for it to be?

Upon leaving work today I received a phone call from my mom with some very disturbing news from her neighborhood.  The house directly across the street to be exact.  The whole incident shook me to the very core.  All moments of security were ripped away in one moment.  The home that I spent most of my life in is no longer a safe haven for me.  I know someday it will be again, but until then?...Do I live in fear?  How do you accept what happened?  Does time help heal?  How can the actions of one person affect so many people?  Do they not give a thought to anyone but themselves?  This world can be a scary place.  Even in suburbia.  It shouldn't be this way.

It makes me rejoice in knowing this is not my permanent home.  I've got a home in heaven waiting for me someday.  A home free of worry.  Free of tears.  Free of sadness.  A home filled with love.  A home filled with beauty. A safe haven.  A home I don't deserve.

So, I'll cherish the plain and ordinary of today.  The getting up and making lunches.  The going to the bus stop.  The beauty of the sun and that will rise again tomorrow.  The walk with my dog and staring at the giant night light lighting up the night sky.  So much to still give thanks for.

Change

Why do things have to change?  I find myself asking this very question.  Just today I was folding laundry, size 12 jeans for Collin, wondering what happened to those cute 2t outfits for my toddler?  And, how can it be that my baby, my baby, is in first grade?

Don't get me wrong, I love that they are older and able to do for themselves and the fact that we can just pick up and go without packing a bag.  I just wish so much that I could snuggle them one more time.  I know you know what I mean.  I think part of it is the saying "goodbye" to that phase of life.  The diapers, bottles, toothless smiles, little piggies, dirty cheeks, and holes in the knees (from crawling.)  The moving on and taking the next step...Change.

Like, what am I going to do when my boss/manager takes a new permanent job in Phoenix?  Who will replace him?  He isn't replaceable.  Will I continue to work there?  Should I start looking for a new job?  I don't want a new job.  I don't want a new boss.  I want things to stay the way they are.  I like it this way.

And just today we learned that our neighbor has stage 4 cancer.  She is a wonderfully sweet neighbor and a sister in Christ.  However, when I think of what is to come for them, their family, their home I am completely heartbroken.  I hate the fact that things will be different. Who will be Grandma to the grandkids?  Who will be the "mom?"  Who will take care of her husband?  Who will teach her class?  Who will tend the climatis she so loving cares for on her porch?  All of it will change.

There is something safe in the mundane.  Am I right?  There's no questions, no worries.  No wondering what will happen.  It's safe there and I like safe.  It's comfortable.  There are no tears there.  No fears.

And yet, where would we be without change?  Just this week I took down our Christmas decorations, did a little rearranging and cleaning.  I changed things up...and loved it.  We recently bought a new vehicle, moving from a minivan to a car...I love it.  More change.  I have projects that I've done around our home to change for the better.  But, I see that these are the little "unimportant" changes, but change none the less. 

I send out these thoughts not really looking for answers.  I know there is always going to be change.  We need change.  I guess I'm still learning how to deal with the "hard" changes.

Do we ever learn?