Monday, April 30, 2012

When what you think is the right decision really really hurts

I really don't know where this post will go, so please bare with me.

My feelings are raw.  Fresh and raw.  So fresh my eyes still ache from the many tears that were shed.

I knew this decision would be hard and I knew it would hurt.  I had no idea just how much it would hurt.  I have complete peace about the decision and feel very strongly that it is right and what God wants.  When I shared this decision with someone I love so very much, I knew it would be met with some criticism and hoped there would also be love and support.  Instead what I was met with was judgement, misunderstanding and a lack of compassion.

It hurts.  There is no other way around it.  I feel miserable.  I'm trying to do the best I can at raising my kids.  The truth is, I don't have a clue.  I know I love them and have their best interest at heart.

But what do you do when your family doesn't agree?  I've been so blessed to always have a family that loved and supported me through just about everything.  So this is new territory for me.

I don't know what to do next.  I don't know where this road will lead.  I'm not a fighter.  I don't like confrontation.  I'm not one who likes to cause a big stink.  I was trying to avoid all of that, but ended up walking right into it.

So, I'm sure I'll get over it.  In time.  I know I'll be sorry for bringing on pain.  I know I'll forgive.  In time.  But I also know I'll bear the scars of the deep deep pain forever.  In all honesty I'm sick of it.  So sick of just letting the daggers fly at me and not doing anything about it.  I've just never been one that wanted to hurt others even if they've hurt me.  I guess it's because I know how much it hurts and I don't want to do that to someone else.

I don't know what else to say.  I hope that things will look better in the morning.  Things always look better in the morning.  Right?  It won't change what is, but maybe just maybe it will.

1 comment:

  1. You know Kelli. I can relate to a lot of what you shared here. Making a life- changing decision and it not being accepted (readily) is hard.

    In my case, I realized I was going to be misunderstood. Very much so. I also had to tell myself that that was okay. It was okay to be misundertood... because I had peace about it. If that is there then you can walk in that. A lot of times... people don't understand and can even get angry about things like this (and that is their response) simply because they're walking through some of the same questions or issues, down-deep, themselves and they haven't found a voice for those things - yet. Pray for them. Pray that you can still walk out in relationship with them (even though awkward and hard), love them from a distance - if that is what it takes, and over you are REAL, YOURSELF, PATIENT, LOVING... they will see that it is okay to "change". If not the situation, at hand but at least the heart (toward or against) will be what changes.

    Hope you have a wonderful day. God loves you and so does your friend. ;)